Which Mountain Animal Are You?

Breaking news from the high country: a hiker has been officially identified as a mountain animal, and witnesses say the signs were there all along.

Reports first came in early this morning, when the individual climbed onto a narrow rock ledge purely to eat a granola bar and look smug about it. Experts on the scene suspect a Cliffside Goat, a species known for ignoring every warning sign and somehow being fine.

Other theories are circulating. A park ranger believes the suspect may be a Ghost Snow Leopard, citing the way they vanished from the group photo and reappeared at the summit without explanation. A second hiker insists it's a Whistling Marmot, pointing to the loud alarm call made when someone opened the snacks, followed by a very long nap on a warm rock.

Meanwhile, a fourth possibility circles overhead, sharp-eyed and saying nothing. Authorities are asking the public to remain calm, answer a few short questions and wait for official identification. More on this story as it develops.