Dear Parent or Guardian, we are writing to inform you that one of your sons has been involved in an incident. We regret that we cannot specify which son, as witnesses described the suspect as a boy, somewhere between eight and seventeen, either very smart, very loud or very calm in a way that worried the lunch staff. The cafeteria is closed until further notice. The science lab smells of burnt pudding. Please call the office at your earliest convenience.
If that letter feels familiar, you probably grew up watching a family where every dinner turned into a disaster and every disaster turned into a lesson nobody learned. Lois yelled, Hal panicked, and the boys did their absolute worst with maximum creativity. Francis rebelled from a military academy and later from Alaska. Reese threw punches first and recipes second. Malcolm explained everything to the camera, including his own bad choices. Dewey quietly turned out to be the strangest genius of them all.
Answer fifteen questions about chores, siblings, schemes and punishments, and we will tell you which brother you would be. No fourth wall will be harmed. Probably. Please return this permission slip signed by an adult who is not currently screaming.
